IM TOO BUSY FOR THIS

Should I charge y'all? Should I do OnlyFans x Substack collab?

art by lou benesch

I don’t post frequently anymore because well I’m busy and writing Substack posts doesn’t pay anything. Which is fully my fault because I don’t charge y’all to read my content. And I’m fine with that right now! Honestly, I don’t really feel like my dumb little personal posts should cost anyone money, especially since I think financial accessibility is a priority! Dumb shit should be free! Now, clients and men who follow me but I do not know personally- y’all should def pay to read my stuff. But substack doesn’t have that screening capability to differentiate between subscribers yet so I guess I’m just not going to charge anyone.

I’ve thought about getting some $ off here by doing a substack/only fans inspired crossover where I post an uncensored description of a session but create a paywall so you hornbags have to pay to read it. Because I have a feeling that whoever wants to read my posts bad enough to pay for it, is probably not the fucking death doula who follows me on instagram. The most eager reader is probably is substack_user34bgtr who has no posts or followers with an account creation time stamp of today. You know who you are ;)

Anyway! Also I don’t post frequently because i’m fucking busy. I work like 2-3 jobs and have a social life AND I try to prioritize living as much as I can. And I also need so much sleep for some reason. I wish i got that gene where your body/mind only needs like 4-6 hours max a night but i’m like a 9-11 hours a night unfortunately. Is something wrong with me btw? Like isn’t that a lot? Send me a dm if you think something’s wrong with my health based on that info.

So I need lots of sleep, but I also work a lot. I make multiple films at the same time, shoot for myself, shoot for other people, apply for grants, festivals and bullshit, have a lot of meetings about said projects, and spend lots of time strategizing how to logistically do all of this. Then for money, I see clients on my own and work in the bodyrub joint and that’s a whole other thing. Also can we talk about commuting and how much fucking time it takes out of our day. Love nyc tho.

To give an example, just these past few days, here are some of things I’ve done:

Thursday night-Friday, I reviewed footage for my feature film, worked a shift at the bodyrub place, and filmed additional b-roll for the feature solo. Saturday, I went to BK pride, then grabbed my camera/sound gear, shot solo from 7-10 for a magazine and took photos too. The next day I edited said photos and that evening, I met up with a group for a separate film project then went from there to film a shoot solo at an event until late. Then I got up early the next morning to go to the studio and I saw 4 guys in 4 hours, and they all wanted extras. And then as I was leaving, my boss was being annoying, which is crazy considering all the money I just made for her. Then I went to my weekly 12th step meeting and then went night night. This morning, I’ve been prepping and picking up gear. I’ve also been off loading and storing footage from all the previous shoots which btw- no one tells you when you go into film you have to become a gear-head and spend additional money on drives and cloud space to store your footage. And all the footage takes up a lot of space and ideally, all your shoots should be off loaded into different 3 places to mitigate any risk of it being lost. It also takes forever to off load things onto the clouds! Anyway- film ppl can relate.

So I did all that the past three days and I’m exhausted but a group of sex workers and I are going to Long Island tomorrow at 4am and I’ll shoot the entire day. It’s one of those high stress situations and I’ll have heavy gear with me. Then the next day I’ll go back to the bodyrub studio and hopefully see multiple clients because I need and want moneyyyy. So I feel like that’s a lot for like 5 days. And I only get money for a fraction of those things. Also yall I don’t mean to sound as if I am complaining, I’m just trying to illustrate a point.

So ok writing a substack- v cathartic and cool and i like doing the lil the cover art but having to sit and write and rewrite for hours for no $ is a hard convince.

BUT I’m beyond blessed to have all these opportunities! To be thought of as a collaborator in the first place on any film project is an honor but especially ones that are meaningful AND I want to do! Also I am blessed that I can choose to do shoots for people or in this case- a magazine- and have my own gear AND know what I am doing when I show up! But being able to do this unpaid yet fulfilling work means that I need money to continue to do these cool things.

Cool update: I did get 2 paid camera gigs in March tho which was fucking sweet but both of those combined did not pay my rent even. You gotta start somewhere though. If you would’ve told Em Vaughn that posted for the first time 3.5 years ago that she would have made 3 films, be producing several other projects and making a film about sex work and taxidermy- she would have shit! Man life can be so cool but it is also hard too. And all you can do is just hope that the good is worth the bad.

Also maybe another reason I am scared to post more frequently is because I will scare off potential partners- romantic and professional. What if artistic/educational institutions see my stuff about charging for s*x or something and decide they don’t want to be associated with me? What if the stuff in my posts are too much for someone and they decide dating me would be too hard? Sure there’s people who fetishize me but that’s not what I’m talking about in the context of genuine dating. I just imagine both potential partners and institutions are reading my substack and being like ew she’s loose! Yes, the institutions are talking about my p*ssy in this context. Moma ps1 is having a zoom mtg about the elasticity of my h*le before deciding if I can do a project there.

Anyway this post is not sexy or clickbaity so like one person will read it so i appreciate you. I needed to write this shit out ok i feel better.

Donate to my substack or whatever and if you don’t want to you should donate to G.L.I.T.Z or Red Canary Song. Ideally you do both :D