What Does God Want From Me?

Trials, Tribulations & Other Errors :)

For three years now, I have been an in person provider. I started off (kind of) by accident. Now, in my third year, I have experienced friendship, heartbreak and a newfound strength within myself. I have seen enormous growth in myself and in my relationships but it should be noted that this is all a result of many trials and many errors. 

TRIAL

A year ago, a few providers and I had a good thing going. We had a shared space that we would use to see clients. We did upkeep collectively and no one profited over anyone else. Each of us just paid our part of the rent each month. The space gave us an amount of safety and cleanliness that otherwise would be hard to come by on our own. The space was also adorably decorated! I always bought the Kacey Musgraves’ Boy Smells candles for the apartment which is ironic because we technically already had that in there for free. Unfortunately, like all good things, this had to come to an end. The authorities were tipped off by someone or multiple people. A nosy neighbor? An angry client of ours? We will probably never know. But we ended the lease immediately and cut ties with each other. It was very difficult but it was the right thing to do. 

I will never forget getting that call saying we had been contacted by the authorities. I was walking home on a beautiful May evening. I was expecting this call to happen at some point but not as soon as it did. It was scary. Extremely stressful. Mostly, I felt bad for my friend who actually had to directly deal with the authorities. There was nothing I could do except go incognito for a bit. I knew I was not going to leave the industry but I knew it would be a struggle to make money for a bit. Luckily, because of my line of work, I had savings: a rare thing to come by as a young adult in this day in age. 

Trying to figure what my next move would be- I remembered my friend asking if I wanted to work at her massage studio so I reached out. Now, after working there for a year, I can see that working in this particular studio has made my experience as a provider so much more enjoyable and safe. It should be noted, however, that this is my own experience- this is definitely not everyone’s. In my job now, I not only have more flexibility around the things I am willing to do with my body but I also have coworkers that I can actively engage with. These two changes this past year have tremendously changed my quality of life. 

TRIBULATION

Though my personal and professional life has improved a lot over the last year, I still run into problems. I had a situation recently at the parlor where a client was compromising my safety. He was a regular for almost a year and we had a good report. He was the type of client that I looked forward to seeing when he hit me up to come get a “massage”. One particular night, I was alone in the studio and it was late. During our session, this client kept doing things that I was uncomfortable with. I told him to stop but he continued so I started to contort my body to discourage him from touching me in this way that made me uncomfortable. As it escalated toward sex, he kept telling me that we shouldn’t use a condom. I kindly declined. He asked two more times. I said no. When I said no the second time, he said that if I had such an issue with not using protection that it was me who had a disease, not the other way around. Super manipulative. He was a finance lawyer and they have that all too familiar grin when they say, “c’mon babe, I’m clean.” The cut on his upper lip said otherwise. Maybe he had gotten into a fist fight the night before or was a coke binge. I still told him no despite his best efforts. He asked three more times as we had sex. Each time he got more stern than the last. And each time I said no, he became more upset with me. Continued to guilt me. I told him no. In the end, he kept the condom on. After finishing in a record three minutes, he went to clean himself in the bathroom but I sat there on the table teary eyed and tight in my chest. He came back in and chuckled, “thank you for being the responsible one in the situation”. Like he suddenly had some post-nut clarity but at my expense. Instead of letting him get off the hook, I told him that he crossed the line. After all, what are all these expensive therapy sessions good for if I still don’t take action when my boundaries are crossed. 

As he got dressed, I told him, “When a woman tells you no, you stop. You don’t keep asking.”

“Oh, I thought as long as I wasn’t doing anything physical it was okay to ask. I didn’t know asking was bad.”

I was not surprised at his answer. Most people think only physicality equals violence. Not language or verbal interactions. In that moment, though, I felt really scared but there was nothing I could do except say no and hope for the best. 

Before I came to the parlor and regularly talked to other providers, there were similar situations where clients would pressure me not to use protection. Unfortunately, I would give in. It’s hard to think about now but at that time, it was happening consistently and so I didn’t think it was a big deal. When I went for a regular std check up during this time, my healthcare provider recommended I go on PREP which I still take today.  I've always maintained regular std screenings doing this work so I have always taken care of my health in this regard, but my mental health, my emotional capacity, my worth, can no longer be challenged as it did just over a year ago. I will no longer be pushed to sacrifice my health in such a drastic way. 

I do want to express that I do see clients who are respectful though there are always bad ones. Though they are few and far between, there are clients who have even restored some of my faith in not only men but also humanity. For me, this work can be hot, fun, and even exciting some days. These are the days that keep me going. But mostly my joy from this work comes from experiencing freedom from day to day. 

ERROR

I fell in love with a married client this year. It caused me a great deal of pain. I am not someone who cries much. But in the last six months, the tears have been flowing. Incessant. Thankfully, the chapter with this person is closing and I am moving on from it. But having this relationship has fundamentally changed the way I look at the provider/client dynamic and why payment is a necessary boundary in most cases. It has also influenced the way I interact within my personal relationships. It's even pushed me to create art that I have been too scared to do previously. I can actually thank him (though never directly) because some projects I would have never started if I had not been so motivated to ignore the massive pain I felt due to this person’s unavailability. 

CONSOLATION

Though I have experienced toxic relationships this past year, I have also experienced many positive ones. One positive is that I gained a best friend. When we met, she told me she was a provider and needed a safe environment to work in. I told her about my situation at the parlor and she wanted in. I had only known her for a day, but told my boss that she would be a good hire. Once she was hired, we started working shifts together every week. Once we got to know each other a little better, we started to hang out outside of the studio. Then we started to text, send memes, commiserate about our work, boy problems, politics, so on. We even made a little money together. When we went through difficult times, we were there for each other. Finally, for the first time in my adult life, I have someone who is the same age as me and does the same work. 

To finally find a friend who I can be fully myself with and not worry about hiding parts of my life has opened me up to so much more loving. I am so grateful for this friend. Our relationship is just another example of how important friendship and community is in this industry. She’s pushed me to examine my worth and to set hard boundaries with clients. She’s also been there when I have made the unwise decision to date married clients. She encourages me on so many levels and helps me when I struggle to make decisions that benefit my health. 

Let this be a reminder that workers have to be able to talk to each other in this industry. Criminalization of sex work keeps these connections closed and it can be so dangerous to do this work alone. Criminalization encourages hiding.  

PROSPERITY 

Recently, I was able to lessen my shift load at the studio because my other creative projects have taken off in some respects. In the past year, I have made a steady income not just for myself but also for my boss at the studio and I felt justified in asking for less shifts. She was understanding and gave me no guilt. She supports me having a career and other passions outside of this work which is key for me to stay in this business. I want to recognize, however, that lots of sex workers don't have that choice of having a pleasurable side hustle or passion. They’ve gotta take care of their kids or families or debts, etc and it leaves them no time to seek outside opportunities. So I acknowledge I am in a lucky situation. 

It is May and the world feels new in a lot of ways in may. When I entered this work three years ago, my life fundamentally changed- mostly for the better. I am beyond grateful for the time and resources I have been granted through this work to follow my passions and make them something that compels me to keep being in a world that is so hard to live in. I am so grateful for the people- providers and non-providers- that have shown me so much love and tenderness this past year. Best of all, I am grateful that I have found my current calling which is exactly what I set out to do three years ago. I wonder- what will these next three years bring? God only knows <3