YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME

Does that strike a chord with you when you read it? Does your chest tighten? Does your breath shorten? If so, let me share something with you.

I am struggling. I’m struggling with this profession, living on my own, and in all honesty, just struggling to become. I’m not sure what I am here for. I know I came to live in NYC on a whim after living my entire life in the south. While that was the best decision I have ever made, I find myself in a peculiar position where my labor is not demanded from morning to late afternoon five days a week like most people. I can make rent within one week when I get the work. What person can say that for themselves? I am extremely privileged, and while the work takes a toll on my life that most people are not willing to sit with-I have time. And Time is one of the most limited resources we have in late stage capitalism. Our world demands to know how we spend our waking hours. Even the hours when we are sleeping. In what ways are you producing? Is it efficient enough? And if we are not producing, we are told that we are wasting our time here on Earth. 

Millions of people world-wide were forced to reimagine work and school environments during the pandemic. We saw a surge of people get laid off and struggle with what to do with their free time. Some could afford this break from work, others could not. Some benefitted from the stimulus checks and some did not. It should be noted that a lot of people did not stop working and only continued to work harder. This group often included those providing essential services and/or products for the sick and those who could afford to have goods and services brought to them. But even so, perhaps there was a cultural shift in the way we thought about our lives. If life can be brought to a premature end, what do we do with the time we have remaining? 

So this is my journey with time. This is my individual curiosity about what life consists of outside of work. I acknowledge that having free time goes against American ideals around work ethic. We’re not supposed to have much free time because it would potentially allow us to question the validity of arbitrary social rules and conventions which often creates hostility we have toward one another. Too much free time and perhaps we will see more revolts just like we did during the George Floyd protests. It was not a coincidence that the George Floyd protests and a large demographic of Americans experiencing newfound free time happened at the same time. Free time also gives us a chance to connect to our communities and realize how oppressive systems create inequality between ourselves and the individuals we know and love. For example, we saw a burst of mutual aid orgs during the pandemic. People in the same community met for the first time even. For instance, a friend of mine started the community refrigerator trend in NYC and it’s still a critical service for many people. For me, the pandemic totally changed the trajectory of my life because I was set to move to Chicago that summer and start a promising career path with a nationwide non-profit. Instead, we were all forced to stay home so I did not go to Chicago. I remained in my hometown and even fell in love with someone who would later bring me here to NYC. 

Just like most people, my time was scheduled out from morning to night at least five days a week for twelve years. Then for four more years. Though I will say college let me create a schedule that benefitted me in the way that chunks of time could be spent by my own volition. But now out of college and not in the regular workforce, I find myself wallowing in thoughts of what I am doing and what I am not doing. How I am being productive and how I am not. How I am worth something to society and how I am not.

So I guess all this is to say, I want to find other people who struggle with time too. Where are my gig economy people? Artists? Writers? Freelancers? Dealers? Even those who just struggle navigating what to do with their time outside their job. I know I am not alone. How do I compensate for not having a 9-5? How do I justify not clinging to a rung on the ladder of a company or an organization? Do I even qualify as an adult or am I just a spoiled child in an adult’s body that refuses to do real work? Do I still deserve time away from “work”? Do I even call it that? I could go on with this line of questioning until I reach a self-induced spiral but would that be an efficient use of my time?